Nutty Nutty Me… November 8, 2009

I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve blogged. My only defense is that it’s been a time of inner turmoil. I titled this post “Nutty Nutty Me…” because that’s how I feel lately: Pretty freaking nutty.

Where to even begin…

I am grieving the loss of DEH much more than I expected to. I miss him terribly and I feel a sense of loneliness that I haven’t felt in ten years. I’m trying very hard to snap out of it, but it’s a challenge. DEH’s father had a stroke recently. I found out through a friend (one of his cousins) on Facebook. I wanted to know more about his dad’s condition, but I knew it wasn’t my place. I wanted to make sure DEH was ok, but I knew it wasn’t my place. It was so hard to resist the urge to pick up the phone and call him. I wanted so much to know that he was OK and I couldn’t. I finally broke down and emailed him and almost two weeks later, he still hasn’t emailed me back. Zero contact. That wasn’t part of the original plan but I have respect his wishes if he choses to disappear for a while or even permanently. Not everyone can make the transition from significant other to friend; he warned me he wouldn’t be able to but I held out hope anyway. So, I don’t know if his dad’s ok, I don’t know if he’s ok, I don’t know anything, and I have to remind myself it’s not my concern anymore, even though I still care very much.

Hence, the nutty nutty me…

Also, the dogs brought a dead squirrel into the house. That was a pretty big shock. It took a day of cleansing the house to feel comfy in the living room and kitchen again. It brought up the discussion I never thought I’d have: Is it really feasable to keep all three dogs when I’m expecting a wee baby? It is true that my household is always in one of two states: either it’s a mess from the latest chew-jag that Zeke has been on, or it’s clean but I feel that I’ve spent way too much time and focus on it. It’s a constant time suck. I have a neighbor that loves to say how clean my house was before Zeke came along. I feel tremendous guilt for even entertaining the question, but I must at least ask it. It’s a heartbreaking prospect. But I will admit that Zeke, the big oaf, the apple of my eye, my most beloved doggie, is very high maintenance. He chews everything in site, and no amount of dog proofing prevents that. He has eaten couches (yes. plural.) and door handles and tricycles and dishes and so much more. Every day, there is a new surprise waiting for me. He needs more stimulation and challenge than I give him. I was able to satisfy that energy more when we could go to the dog park every day. Well, he developed an allergy to the dog park! Now what? I keep saying I’ll take him on a nice long walk every day, but I don’t. I’m not sure that would cut it anyway. Ever since my landlady took down my front fence, rendering the front yard off limits to the dogs, Zeke has been a mopey unhappy boy. I don’t know what to do. I’ve thought about moving but it’s not really even a possibility right now. So, naturally, the question comes up. How am I going to handle an energetic intelligent bored understimulated dog when I have a new baby? I know I committed to him for life. But is it even fair to him? Is this life even fair to him? Maybe it’s only a temporary state of affairs. When I am back on my feet financially and working again, I can move to a place with a better/bigger yard. I can hire a dog walker. I can pay for the daily medicine that will make the dog park doable again. I will have the bandwidth to play enough with him every day. SOMETHING. Shouldn’t I just try to hold out? I don’t know… What is right for him? What is right for baby? It’s not about me anymore. But the idea of losing my precious big boy is unthinkable. Horrible. Heartbreaking.

See? Nutty nutty me…

TS and I are starting to feel more tension about the upcoming transitions. We are getting overly emotional, clingly, sad, angry, and pissy with each other, all in constant iterations. It’s all part of the painful process of preparing to separate. Accepting that our lives are going to change so drastically soon, and that our friednship, this wonderful thing that has been so treasured, is going to have to change. We won’t have our little family of three anymore. She will be going off to college and taking her very precious Turbo-Tot with her. I won’t see her every day anymore. I will have baby to focus on. We will still have our friendship but it will still be a loss for both of us. I will miss her and her son a lot. She has been a truly amazing friend to me. I never thought I could be such good friends with someone half my age but I have and she’s wise beyond her years. Yes, I give her a lot of advice but she gives me a lot too. I learn just as much from her as she learns from me. We have had a very equitable relationship. I know it will be a joyous time for both of us too! She, because she will be embarking on a great new adventure, fullfilling dreams, openning up a whole new world, and building an amazing future for herself. For me, because I will finally be a mother. Pleasure spiked with pain, as DEH would say.

It’s Sunday. I have a job interview -in person- tomorrow morning, bright and early. I’m excited and nervous. Wish me luck!!!!! I NEED THIS JOB!

My mind is whirling November 4, 2009

Today was so much fun. I had two new, kinda scary things to do and I asked M D to drive. She agreed, which was great because I got to share these experiances with her. First I had an appointment with this program. I do receive some state help because I’m low income and I qualify for a couple things. One of these is a week long program that I just completed. It was a workshop on interviewing, resume writing, and career counseling. A part of this was an opportunity to meet with a personal dresser who helped me put together really nice, office attire. The clothing is donated by businesses and individuals. Half the things I received still had price tags! It was a great, confidence building experiance. It’s run by volunteers. The most friendly women, I felt comfortable to ask a lot of things I didn’t know, like how are dress shoes really supposed to fit. They gave me outfits that fit now and outfits that will fit when I’m not pregnant anymore. The second exciting thing I did was attend my first hiring event. It was only the second interview I’ve ever done and I’m glad for the experiance. I did well. There’s another job fair tomorrow I’m going to. Very exciting stuff. I have 11 weeks of pregnancy left and I’m not going to waste them. I’m saving for a used car to take to college. As long as I work hard enough and smart enough I can accomplish anything. I’m 20, my son is two. I have the time and motivation to make a good life for us. Wish me luck.

Happy Halloween November 1, 2009

Happy Halloween everyone. Hope yours was as great as ours. My morning started out great. I was able to sleep until 8:38! I have not slept that late for two, maybe three weeks. Then my son and I showered and started the day clean. I finished his costume today. It’s awesome. I didn’t make or buy him a crown, so instead of prince charming he looked like a little roman prince. (he won’t wear things on his head.) M D was a jelly fish. It turned out great too. Lots of ribbons and pretty fabric. I couldn’t make anything work for me, so at five o’clock we’re driving to the store. I bought the cheapest costume and still have major buyers remorse. Anyways, M D made taco soup. My son and I carved pumpkins into jack-o-lanterns and hung decorations. We trick-or-treated on base and had a lot of fun. My son wouldn’t say anything, but he waved bye to the decorations he liked and cried at scary decorations. He smiled when people gave him candy to put in our bag. I think M D enjoyed herself too. She didn’t really want to participate, but then she got into it. A great night.

Giant Ass Spider October 27, 2009

I was on the phone with my mom in the bathroom when I looked in the upper corner. The biggest spider I have ever seen was there. If any of you remember Fred, this spider made Fred look like a joke. I hung up, left the door open and without taking my eyes off the monster hammered on M D’s bedroom door and let myself in. I do not walk into bedrooms without permission so she immediately knew something was up. I’m terrified she wont take me seriously, she’ll think I’m over reacting and tell me to deal with it. I don’t think I’ve ever asked her for help from a spider though. She got up and took a look. She agreed it was a monster. I told her I’d bring her the weapon of her choice but I’m not going near it to kill it and I’m not living with it. I fetched the vacuum and she defeated the Giant Ass Spider. The vacuum is now plugged and living on the porch. I may never vacuum again.

General update October 24, 2009

It has been such a great day. My last day of daycare and no activities or requirements from me. Monday it all starts back up. Today I spent several hours just sitting and watching tv. No distractions. Wow. It was refreshing. Then M D and I (I got flustered, she took over “as me”) made college phone calls. Admissions has my application and act scores. Ged scores should be there any day. And an official we’ve been corresponding with says that based on my ged scores I emailed him I’m in good shape and should be accepted. I’ll know in two to three weeks. Can’t put in my housing application till I’ve been accepted, but as a single parent I get priority and as long as there’s availability I can move in months before classes start. And the housing department don’t see why there wouldn’t be availability. Yes, I know I’m butchering English, but my son is head butting me… And pulling my hair. January 1st I submit another fafsa and then wait to see what kind of financial aid I’m offered. I hate waiting. I’m freaking a bit over money. M D says I can use student loans to cover daycare, as long as I’m approved for enough. We also found out I can move my mother into my on campus apartment. Free daycare sounds great. Right now she’s living in a mobile home that needs a new roof, with my manipulative grandmother and unemployed drug addict sister. My mom covers all the bills herself. She’s amazing with my son. If she’s willing to give up her cats and junk hoarding this could work. I think with a less stressful lifestyle she’ll be a much happier person. I won’t have to worry about whether her rent’s paid/eviction notices, her not eating, etc. And think of life with free, always available childcare. I could attend college, work, and have a social life. I’ve talked about it with her and we’ll see. It’s a big change for her. Those cats are her best friends. And she feels a lot of guilt over putting my grandma in the lurch. (she’s paid for her credit card bills, cable, electric, water, and rent for three years, she shouldn’t feel any guilt, any ‘family commitment/obligation has been paid.) And anyone that mean and greedy will be fine.
Anyways, this is where my mind is.
M D’s house is looking good. Dog containment is in effect. Still have more work to do, but the end is in sight.
M D is practically baby ready, nothing left to buy. I know she’s relieved.
Have the weekend to sew my son’s Halloween costume.
Got the flu shot, still waiting for the h1n1 flu shot.

Craigslist 2 October 23, 2009

Sold my extra burley and the firetruck bed. Confused two different accented ladies as the same person, double booked for the bed, had one mad lady show up after it was sold. Sometimes craigslist is the devil. Just waiting for my fishtank to sell.

Ch-ch-ch-changes… October 21, 2009

Changes abound.

The house is in utter turmoil in our efforts to get things ready for baby. Ugh. TS is right. I’d rather shoot myself. I *hate* the overwhelming feeling of stuff everywhere and not knowing where to begin. Housekeeping has never ever been my talent.

I’m feeling pressed for time. So fast, so many things changed. The most significant change is that DEH is really truly out of my life. I love him so much, so please take everything I say next with love and compassion. He’s a really wonderful human being underneath it all. This man has a Ph.D. and is brilliant. He kept me entertained, mentally engaged, and never bored for nine years. He can hear three seconds of any piece of classical music and tell you the name of the piece, the name of the composer, about the composer, maybe even who is performing/conducting, and hum along by heart to the whole entire twenty minute piece. I’m not exaggerating. He can truly hold his own among physicists, computer scientists, mathematicians, and chemists. He has a larger than life brain. And a larger than life personality to match.

But. (There is always a big but… Here are five buts…)

1. I got so very tired of being his keeper. He doesn’t really do any of the mundane things that one must do to keep an adult life afloat. I.E., manage bills, keep social connections intact, file taxes, keep up on paperwork, shop for groceries, do dishes, cook, buy toilet paper or toothpaste or shampoo, roll with the unexpected punches, adjust one’s expectations when things go wrong, etc. Worse than the fact that he couldn’t/wouldn’t do them is that he underestimated their necessity and took it for granted when I did them. I felt so tired from all the effort I put into running interference and keeping life smooth so he wouldn’t get rattled or freak out. I spent so much time addressing the little logistics of life for him in addition to my own. As I mentioned in the earlier part of this post, I’m not particularly talented at this kind of stuff. But I found myself doing it for me and for him. And then I found myself emotionally and mentally exhausted.

2. He’s a master deflecter of personal responsibility.

3. He’s mentally agile enough to make attempts at constructive discourse futile.

4. He’s an alcoholic.

5. In his most fundamental nature, he is not wired for marriage or monogamy.

What took me nine years, huh? Well, I covered his good points above but I’ll reiterate: He’s a very charming lovable smart dynamic person.

Anyway, I have known for a while that I wasn’t happy with our arrangement to live together. This time around, our living arrangements started out of necessity and slowly slipped into an emotional comfort. Like it always does. The road to hell is paved with the best of intentions. But, before I knew it, I was playing the role of wife again. And I knew I didn’t want to but I didn’t know how to put an end to it without causing him pain. For all his flaws as a partner, I can’t stand causing him pain. I’d rather be the one in pain. That’s always the case with me. I’m a bit (lot) codependant that way.

So, I finally got up the strength to do the dirty deed and sit him down and tell him I wanted him to move out and live a truly separate life. It was brutal. Heartbreaking. Horrible. Painful beyond words. That was a few weeks ago.

Since then, a few things have gone really wrong in his life and he has reached out to me for support/love and I have to turn my back on him. It kills me to do this. But I know that if I swoop in and soothe him or save him during his low moments, he’ll never learn to take better care of his own life. And he’ll never let go of me. He will continue to see me as “the significant person” in his life. As much as I want to be that person, I can’t and as long as I prolong this, neither of us have a chance at moving on and finding more suitable partners.

It took every ounce of strength to stay strong and issue a dose of tough love to him. But I did it. And it’s not that easy to spell the whole dirty mess out for you/this blog either. But it’s all part of coming clean and being open and transparent about my life and my new path. And it is truly part of this surrogacy adventure because the impending arrival of little girl is what gave me the clarity and strength to re-envision my future and my home. I want to model strength and joy and calmness for my daughter. I want her to see a healthy happy functional family. Even if it’s a happy family of one parent. Better than an unhappy family of two parents. I knew I was going to be a single mother by choice. But somehow in the process of pursuing motherhood, I let my old relationship with DEH creep back in and become a current relationship.

I worry about him often. But I am discouraging contact so we can focus on moving on.

I guess that’s why I haven’t posted lately. I’ve been rather consumed by this major change.

I hope he is ok. I hope he is safe. I hope he finds his way.

Craigslist October 21, 2009

M D has been helping me post stuff on craigslist. I have three things that are to big to move and thought posting this early gives them plenty of time to sell. My son’s firetruck bed, my aquarium, and my two seater burley. I’m totally keeping the burley solo. After three hours of being posted a lot of email’s came in for the bed. So now I’m a horrible mom selling the bed out from under the child. He doesn’t even sleep on it. It’s just a big daytime toy. Ah, craigslist guilt. If all three sell as priced it’s an extra 450 toward a car. It feels weird owning so little. Kinda freeing. I love my fish tank but it’s huge. The money is worth it.
I’ve bought from craigslist but this is my first time selling. Some buyers are inconsiderate and some aren’t very smart. If I say it has scratches, the light doesn’t work, and looks used, why do you complain it doesn’t look new? I didn’t lie. Did they think I was joking? A bit frusturating.
I like to clean and organize. M D would rather shoot herself. So together we’re creating her nursery and getting the house newborn ready. Bulk trash pick up tomorrow! The dog is not helping. He’s eaten two more couches and nibbled the high chair. M D is thinking of tactics to keep him away from newborn gear. And the war continues.

Preparing for the future October 17, 2009

M D and I are preparing for our futures. So much is still unknown. I worry about everything. From being accepted to college, paying for daycare while I’m there, to being all alone in a strange city with a toddler depending on me. Yes, I’ve done this all recently when I moved to California but I had my husband with me. I’m scared about “losing” my best friend. The hardest part about giving birth is feeling like well, M D has her baby, she’ll be too busy to return my calls now. Rationally I know we’ll both be busy with our new lives and new priorities. But the young, hormone overloaded, going away to college part of me indulges in freaking out sometimes. M D worries about all these transitions too. Maybe she’ll blog about it. I’m helping her set up the nursery and she’s helping me fill out and contact college people.
I’ve always known the third trimester would be most challenging to our relationship. I’m tired almost all the time. And sore. And WTF I’m still getting nausea. This all makes me cranky and short tempered. M D is having all the normal new mom freak outs. Add in both our significant others gone, and money trouble and you get situations like tonight where we actually argued over a fish tank filter. It happens, and we’re good.
I’ve had a great year full of accomplishments and thanks to M D’s help it looks like college is next. Of course it’s hard to say goodbye to somewhere I’ve been so happy. But it’s worth it. And M D might like my help, but she doesn’t need it. And she knows that too.
So now my brain is full of things like buying a car, keeping on top of state paperwork, college everything, post partum worries, turning my son into a nomad (will we ever settle down?), and a million other things. I’m not as worried about handing over the baby. It’s more a wistful feeling. I wish I was at a point in my life to have more children. For me that point will come when I feel financially secure. I think any woman who sees cute little baby gear goes oh I want a(nother) baby, no matter how old she is or how many kids she already has. From way before conception I’ve decided and known I would be pregnant, give that child to M D, and go home to my son. I always knew I would want to keep in touch and have all parties involved know what happened. So I found an intendent parent who agreed. It’s a lot less traumatic for my son and her daughter to be raised knowing everything than one day finding out and feeling like there isn’t ground under their feet.
So all in all we’ve decided to be aware that parting with each other will be hard and it’s easier to be mad than sad, so we’ve got to watch it.

Apparently, I’m old… October 14, 2009

Ok. I knew I wasn’t getting any younger. It’s a blow to my ego that people think TS is my daughter. It’s a bigger blow to my ego when they assume I have a surrogate because I’m past my child bearing years! I keep shrieking in my head, “HOW OLD DO I LOOK???” I thought I looked like a youthful late thirty-something. Apparently not.

Here’s a true story that happened to me last week at Wal-Mart.

I am buying little pink baby hangers for baby clothes. (I am starting to work on getting the baby’s room ready, which is really exciting and really overwhelming, but that’s another post).

Checker Lady: How old is your girl?
Me: She’s due in January.
Checker Lady: (Looks at me sideways) But it’s too late. It’s too late.
Me: What? (At this point, I’m SURE I am misunderstanding her)
Checker Lady: It’s too late.
Me: Wait. Are you actually telling me I’m too old????
Checker Lady: Yes. You’re too old!

I can’t actually remember the fine details of the rest of the conversation because I was seeing RED.

I do remember bits and pieces. She told me that it must have been an accident but if I’m happy she guesses it’s ok to keep baby.

I wanted to scream to her, “I was three bloody years younger when I started this pursuit!!!”

Instead, I stagger away, utterly dumbfounded.

She continues the conversation with TS, who is checking out behind me. She looks at her ring finger and asks if either of us are married. TS says nope. Checker tells her that in her culture, a woman waits until she has a college education and a husband before having kids.

So… I’m too old. TS is too young. We are both sluts for not being married. And my child is a mistake. All in under three minutes!

I will be writing a complaint letter. This woman needs to take her big fat foot out of her mouth and shut it!

Can you believe?????

It’s too much. And it’s all true.